“My Daughter-in-Law Calls Me Complaining That Her Husband Won’t Help Around the House: I Warned Her Many Times. Now, I Don’t Know How to Help”

My daughter-in-law, Emily, has always been a bit of a perfectionist. From the moment she and my son, Jake, started dating, she took it upon herself to cater to his every need. She would cook elaborate meals, clean up after him, and even do his laundry. I remember telling her multiple times that she was setting a dangerous precedent. “Emily,” I would say, “you need to let Jake do some things for himself. You’re not his maid.”

But Emily would just smile and say, “Oh, it’s no trouble. I love taking care of him.”

Fast forward five years, and now they’re married with two young children. Emily called me last week in tears. “Mom,” she sobbed, “Jake doesn’t help with anything around the house. I’m exhausted.”

I sighed, feeling a mix of sympathy and frustration. “Emily, I warned you about this. You can’t do everything for him and then expect him to suddenly change.”

“But what can I do now?” she asked, her voice breaking.

I didn’t have an easy answer for her. My own marriage to Jake’s father had been a similar story. My ex-husband, Tom, was charming and attentive when we were dating, but once we were married, he became increasingly lazy and unhelpful. I spent years trying to get him to change, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Eventually, we divorced, and now he’s someone else’s problem.

“Emily,” I said gently, “you need to have a serious conversation with Jake. Tell him how you’re feeling and that you need his help.”

“I’ve tried,” she said, “but he just gets defensive and says he’s too tired from work.”

I knew that feeling all too well. Tom used to say the same thing. “Maybe you should consider counseling,” I suggested.

Emily sighed. “I don’t know if Jake would go for that.”

“Well,” I said, “you can’t keep doing everything yourself. It’s not sustainable.”

After we hung up, I couldn’t stop thinking about Emily’s situation. I felt guilty for not being able to offer more concrete advice. But the truth is, people don’t change unless they want to. And if Jake is anything like his father, he’s not going to change just because Emily is struggling.

A few days later, Emily called again. This time, she sounded more resigned than upset. “I talked to Jake,” she said. “He promised to help more, but so far nothing has changed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “Maybe you should take a break. Go visit your parents for a few days and leave Jake with the kids. Let him see what it’s like.”

“I might do that,” she said, though she didn’t sound convinced.

As much as I wanted to help Emily, I knew that ultimately, she had to make her own decisions. I could offer advice and support, but I couldn’t change Jake’s behavior for her.

In the end, Emily decided to stay with Jake and try to work things out. But months went by, and nothing improved. She grew more and more exhausted, and their relationship became increasingly strained.

One day, Emily called me again, but this time it wasn’t to complain about Jake. She had made a decision. “Mom,” she said quietly, “I’m leaving Jake. I can’t do this anymore.”

I felt a pang of sadness but also relief. “I’m proud of you for making such a tough decision,” I said.

Emily moved back in with her parents and filed for divorce. It wasn’t the happy ending anyone wanted, but sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away.